*This page was revised October 25, 2018
In October 2011 I watched a documentary on sex trafficking and for the first time in my life I had words for my entire childhood. I was 40 years old. A month later I started the stones cry blog. At the time I had spent most of my twenties seeking healing for my broken heart, and I thought that work was done. In fact, when I turned 30, I had called it a wrap and spent exactly a decade with my past bundled up in a tidy little box with a bow and put away – far away. At first I wrote from that place.
But it didn’t take long for that to change, as evidenced from my posts starting in early 2012. Little did I know that God would use that film to bring an unraveling and break open places in me that I still had barricaded in my heart from Him – a lot of places.
This month it has been exactly seven years since that journey began. I had absolutely no idea of the pain and bondage I was still in and still needed to face. I wrote a lot on the blog in those early years from a place of indescribable pain and darkness and wrestling. So when you read my blog here, understand that everything written during that time was the outpouring of a heart in the middle of a gut-wrenching fight to heal and to live. I don’t regret sharing any of that with you. I met my now-dearest friends right here during those years.
For the past few years, I have been mostly quiet. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. Discerning those times is worth gold. I smile even now as I type thinking of the perils and darkness the Lord has delivered me through in my life – and particularly in the past seven years – that even while my voice has been silent here, I’ve been fighting life or death battles, with my husband at my side, and by the grace of God, and help from a few precious friends, we’ve been winning. That really brings me such joy to be able to say here, particularly in this space.
If I write now, it is from a different place. I won’t say a healed place, for healing from the depth of darkness I survived is ongoing, and I believe that standing and declaring myself healed and no longer in need (which is untrue), alienates me from those still desperately in need. I am still in process and I still have some pretty big battles in front of me. In spite of this, I can speak now from a place where I can step into the light and say, I survived. God has delivered me and my family from such deep, wicked darkness. I have fought and will continue to fight.
I continue to write anonymously for the simple fact that my message to my traffickers is the same: I am not a threat to you. Your unrepentant heart bent on wickedness in the presence of a just God is your only threat and my greatest comfort. No earthly justice I could seek would be sufficient anyways.
I have no desire whatsoever for either recognition or retribution. My goals in writing this blog have been and still remain simple:
- To bring glory to God for the healing He has done in my life so far;
- To connect on a heart level with other survivors and to bring validation and healing to them and to myself by sharing through authentic writing;
- To educate and encourage those who want to help trafficking survivors by hopefully providing helpful insight.
I’ve been walking these paths of the valley of the shadow, gathering the treasures of darkness for so many years now that I have a lot to say….. Some day soon perhaps God will allow me to share some of these treasures, as I’m certain they weren’t meant to be kept hidden away.
As always, my heart remains open and available to both those who are walking their own dark paths to healing from deep trauma, as well as to those who seek earnestly to understand them and help them. There is more capacity in my life these days for both, and for this I’m extremely grateful, for there is nothing that thrills my heart more than sharing the light He has given to me in these dark years.