The God Thing – Part 1

Many of my greatest questions as I emerged from the nightmare and began to heal had to do with God.  I had seen evil – deep, deep darkness.  I knew that was real.  But what about God?  I had attended church, and I knew what people said about God – about His power, amongst other things.  But my reality had been much, much different.  When I was being abused, God had not stepped in and saved the day.  At the time, I could find no evidence that He had been there or even cared about what had happened to me.

I had a counselor who, for a time, became somewhat of a spiritual parent to me.  He would sit and read the Bible to me and I would have an argument for everything he read.  “That’s not true,” I would retort. Or, “Well, I guess He does that for some people, but not for me.”  The more I thought about it, the angrier I became.  If He had the power to stop the abuse from happening, then why didn’t He?  I determined that He was either a weak liar, or a mean, sadistic God.  Those were pretty much the only two options I could think of.

As I progressed down that path, my heart grew colder and my world got darker.  As I made a conscious decision to turn my back on God, the hopelessness and loneliness that had consumed me for my whole life got worse.  Prior to this, I think that somewhere deep inside, I had always hoped that God was for real.  I wanted to believe that somehow it was all a big misunderstanding, and that He really was who people said He was.  So when I made the decision that He was not an option, HOPE absolutely disappeared from my life.  I didn’t even understand it at the time, but I had gone from being a complete disaster with a tiny bit of hope to being completely. hopeless.  And the difference between those two things is the difference between life and death.

The God Thing – Part 2

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About stonescry

A survivor of sex trafficking, being healed by the grace of God.
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