Healing is an interesting thing. I can look back now and see how far I have come. I have conquered so much fear, shame, terror, regret, and self-destruction. But I am keenly aware that true, complete healing must take a lifetime. I have to acknowledge that there are still areas I’m working on, but more than that, I know there must be blind spots – places where the wound still dictates my thoughts and actions without me realizing it.
When I was going through the really hard work of healing, it was never fast enough for me. I was tired of being scared, vulnerable and miserable. I wanted to be “done” with healing; to move on with my life and forget what it was like to daily relive the nightmare. But, to my dismay, it never worked my way. Healing doesn’t happen in our time, or in the order we want it to. It just happens. I believe God knows better than I do what I can handle in healing, and what is most important at any given time.
Several years ago, after many years of actively processing and healing, I sort of felt like it was ok to move on with my life and not devote so much time and emotional energy to the healing process. There was a peace about it, and it just seemed right. Since then, every now and then, something will hit a nerve, and I will have to re-visit something, or occasionally, visit it for the first time ever. Now is one of those times. In the last few months, I have been dealing with the pain caused to me by the Church when I sought help. I know that as I process, I will think things and say things that sound “off”, mostly because they are! God is working this out in me right now.
And there will be other things. That’s just how this goes. And that’s ok.
I just want to humbly acknowledge that even though I say I have been healed and set miraculously free, that I don’t intend to give the impression that I’ve got it all right. There are definitely those blind spots and areas that I am still working on. I just need to remain open to embracing pain when necessary to heal further. And I will, because I know by now….it’s worth it.