Most of us have developed this tough outer shell that pretends like we do not hurt – like we can handle just about anything. We are SURVIVORS, and all that it means to survive. We want to act like we are NOT afraid, like we are not sad – like we have got things under control. I’d like you to know, most of all – You. cannot. hurt. me.
Please hear this one thing today: Your ability to survive what you went through was a gift from God.
You did not create your ability to survive. God did.
If you are physically safe now and seeking healing, then please hear me say this: Your survival skills – the very things that allowed you to stay alive – are now a hindrance to your healing. You will have to make a conscious decision to MOVE OVER and let the heart feel again, or healing cannot happen. You are also going to have to make a conscious decision to trust, or healing cannot happen.
If God gave you the ability to survive the nightmare, then He will also give you the ability to survive healing. Ultimately you have to make the decision that the most “protective” thing that you can do for yourself NOW is to allow the feelings and trust God and people to help you heal.
(Besides….have you noticed that some of your survival skills are not working as well as they used to? There’s a reason for that…..)
I struggled greatly with this. I could not get it through my head that I wasn’t still surrounded by the enemy. I fought the very people who were trying to help me as if they themselves were no safer than my traffickers. Everything in my healing was a fight because my protective survivor mentality overrode my ability to feel and to trust.
Pain – massive pain – and fear – and sadness. YEARS of crap that I had shoved down – all feelings that needed a place – a voice – in order for my heart to begin to heal were being held captive by ME. I had done a great job all those years of living life without them. But there was a time that came where true healing – the true ability to function as a whole individual – could not happen without allowing them a place in my life.
I thought I would DIE from the horrific emotional pain caused by feeling those feelings, AND by having to trust God (and occasionally a person) with those feelings. I didn’t. I SURVIVED it. But I didn’t survive it the way I survived the torture. I survived healing because I eventually let my guard down enough to feel those feelings – and to trust – a little bit at a time.
I know it sounds simplistic, and obviously it is much easier said than done. But find that one place that is staring you in the face RIGHT NOW and start there. It will be so worth it.