It’s one of those times where I can see the road in front of me starting to twist and descend into an unknown place. The path ahead looks dark and stormy, yet somewhat familiar. Honestly, I’ve been quite caught off guard by this storm – like one of those storms that seems to just appear out of nowhere. I’m not a fan of these particular kinds of storms, and like most people, I’d be ok with a life forecast of sunny and 75 for like, forever. But that’s not how life is. We don’t get to choose when storms will come our way.
There is a storm brewing ahead, but there is a peace to it this time. It won’t be fun, but it will be necessary – and good. Healing is like that. And God is faithful – so faithful. I know it might sound strange, but I never go looking for healing anymore. It just finds me. HE finds me and leads me gently through seasons of healing when He knows my heart is ready.
Don’t get me wrong. There was a time when I actively sought out my healing. I was desperate to find out who I was and to resolve the craziness – to end the nightmares and stop self-destructing, and to find answers that would keep me safe instead of leading me back into the same traps over and over again. And then one day, I just reached this place where it was enough. I had enough answers, and enough healing to be safe and make new decisions that would allow me to live a somewhat normal life.
And life has been good – really good to me since then. I marvel every day over His faithfulness in restoring my mind and keeping me safe.
But apparently I am headed into a new season of healing. For whatever reason, God knows that I need to see something more, and I have learned to trust Him in that. It is not to make me miserable (though it might for awhile). It is for my good. There will be something I need to know or see that will protect me or bring new freedoms I don’t know exist yet.
So, what’s my biggest fear in all of this?
My biggest fear could be the crazy way that memories mess with your mind and body – relentlessly. Not looking forward to living like this again for however long this takes.
Or it could be the fear of falling into that pesky self-destruct mode again.
Or feeling random, overwhelming panic at nothing in particular at all the most inconvenient times and places.
I could fear losing my ability to separate myself from these memories, where dissociation is no longer an option, and I lose control of my ability to distance myself from the evil or shut it down when I don’t feel like dealing with it.
These are the components of healing from trauma that make for stormy weather. But none of those realities are the things I’m most afraid of this time around.
My biggest fear is that God has told me that I don’t get to do this one alone.
I have learned to protect my heart in these vulnerable seasons by completely isolating myself. I have been wounded far too many times by opening myself up to someone during these seasons of vulnerability, only to have my heart stomped on, hindering my healing process. The thought of having to open myself up like that in this season is the scariest thing of all. But it is what it is, because I trust Him. He has never failed me, and He has faithfully brought healing to my broken heart in so many ways, that I don’t feel the need to rebel against those ways anymore. I simply trust Him to give me the grace to do what’s hardest for me – to share my pain in vulnerability with other people and to allow others to get close to that which I have guarded so carefully.
So, here’s to God’s faithfulness, to more healing, and to vulnerability. It’s going to be a ride worth talking about later – or maybe now.