I am supremely stressed. I have come back out of the land of scary dissociative episodes and overwhelming, nasty, unwanted memories back into the realm of functioning, but only by force. It doesn’t work – this whole thing where life just keeps shoving me up against a wall where there are all these expectations of who I am supposed to be surrounding me. I feel like I am going to die from the stress.
Just since I can’t sleep at ALL, I thought for my own personal good, I might just write about some of the things stressing me.
People in my house – that I love, and yet people, none the less. I have to feed them. And listen to them, which is hard when there is all this background noise in my head. I can’t focus on what they are saying and just the talking makes me want to run far away. The noise of it all is making me twitch. See what a good idea it is for me to write anonymously? 🙂 The one person who has a calming effect on me is not here in the middle of the chaos right now.
And why are there some days when all the triggers you can have just decide like little monsters to all gang up on you and happen all in one day? Today was that day. In the middle of the having to be the adult with all the people talking to me, I needed to get lost (which causes a panic of epic proportion) and then finally get to our destination and be surrounded by WAY TOO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE in a public location. There should definitely be a law about having that many people in one place. And motorcycles. Those should just be banned from existence, among other things.
There was not so much fear today as just a feeling of being completely crushed. I keep wondering when I am going to get to crawl in my hole. I keep thinking that it will just be after this next big thing passes that I HAVE to do, and then they just keep coming – the big stuff that completely overwhelms me. This stuff actually pushes all the garbage into the shadows and makes me feel dead again. I’m not sure which is better – being the robot, or feeling the pain. Not gonna lie – wish I could go to sleep for a very long time right now.