When Tears are Prayers and Words Won’t Come

I’ve been exceedingly humbled by the response I’ve received to the Red X post. I’m so grateful to those who are reading it, sharing it, and who are willing to hear this hard word.

In some cases, I know my words were perceived as harsh, and even met with anger. That’s ok. In some cases I know I was misunderstood, and that’s ok with me too.  Because none of that changes the truth of what I and so many other survivors are quietly experiencing in the shadows of your perceived heroism.

Others of you read with a quiet knowing, some of you commenting or emailing privately, echoing the truth that without prayer as the foundation, all the trafficking awareness hype is just obnoxious noise that hurts more than it heals.

My heart was the most stirred by those of you, my fellow sisters in captivity, who wrote, echoing the same pain of being overlooked in the frenzy -who, like me, are quietly struggling to make it through one more day in spite of all of the useless activity.

Your names and stories are still tucked safely into my heart, and I am lifting prayers on your behalf.

Please understand that I am a real person who is still very much in the midst of healing from intense trauma. My words come from a place of deep pain and grief, and I am writing so broken….. I’m thankful for your grace in understanding this.

Right now, I thought I would let you know – I am grieving deeply over the loss of a precious life at the hands of my traffickers – of one who was so dear to me.

My only words for this right now are my tears, being lifted to heaven as prayers that I know God hears.

And I am battling the nightmares and the pain and fear and anxiety and confusion and memories – and struggling just to breathe – because this grief came so unexpectedly, and heaped itself on top of multiple other traumas I am working to resolve.

But I want you to know, in the midst of this, I have asked Him about you

To those of you who have read my words here, prayed prayers on my behalf and on behalf of so many others, who have labored to find a way to give your heart to the ending of human trafficking – those of you who have given yourselves to prayer, and still have more questions than answers, I want you to know –

I have many words He is breathing into my heart for you….

But they are stuck. Mixed precariously with the tears and grief and pain and numbness, struggling to find their way out of the jumbled up mess in my head and onto this page in a coherent way.

They are coming, I know. But they are fighting to break free from the confusion of grief – so I thank you for grace.

And I want you to know – that when you don’t know what else to do, I’m still going to tell you to “just” pray.

Because, really, what else is there?

If you cannot connect intimately to the heart of God on the matter, then what do you actually have to offer the broken?

I will keep urging you to find contentment in the place of deep intercession – to meet prayer in a way that will cost you….

Just know – you are on my heart – and He is whispering to me about you. I had an experience last week that helped me to understand better where some of you are coming from.

In the meantime though, in the quiet waiting, would you do this? Would you pray for me? For the grief to subside, for hope to return, and for the words to come out? I would be so grateful.

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About stonescry

A survivor of sex trafficking, being healed by the grace of God.
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11 Responses to When Tears are Prayers and Words Won’t Come

  1. Carissa says:

    I will pray. I don’t know of grief like yours… but I do know of wordless, tearful prayer… and I know God will meet you there, is meeting you there. I’m so glad for a God who listens to that, and who cries with us.

    • stonescry says:

      Thank you, dear Carissa. He does hear all kinds of prayers. Bless you.

      • Carissa says:

        You’re very welcome… I prayed after I got off, and will continue to. He knows, He hears, He loves. And Someday… Someday, all this will be a faint memory–if we even remember it. But here, now, while it’s real and hard and seems so long–we will kneel on each other’s behalf.

  2. jwyaun says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve just read through your entire blog, and God has written your story upon my heart. Know you are being prayed for and ached for frequently by a stranger.

  3. Thank you for brave words and humble truth. I’m privileged to pray for you, and thank you that you are a woman of powerful intercession too. I was struck by the line “to meet prayer in a way that will cost you” … because intercession often does cost something, and it’s often something we didn’t expect. But always so worth it. What I pray for you today is that God will reveal His Presence to you powerfully. That you and He will have time an opportunity to be together, with every hindrance cast down. “Time spent in prayer will yield more than that given to work. Prayer alone gives work its worth and its success. Prayer opens the way for God Himself to do His work in us and through us. Let our chief work as God’s messengers be intercession; in it we secure the presence and power of God to go with us.” -Andrew Murray … Love and hugs to you.

    • stonescry says:

      Robyn, thanks for stopping by – it’s good to hear from you! 🙂 I loved the quote by Andrew Murray, and appreciate your prayers for me. They were indeed answered today.

  4. tish says:

    I praise God for the courage He has given you to share words of truth on this blog. I will pray…and I am re-reading Nehemiah, as you suggested in another post!

    • stonescry says:

      Thank you, Tish for your kind encouragement. I too am back to reading Nehemiah. Am at a place where I feel the enemy is attacking the finishing of the work, just as Nehemiah was being distracted, offered a compromise, and then just flat out threatened and even almost tricked when he was close to completing the work. He prayed “God strengthen my hands.” Chapter 6 – this is where I am right now… prayers appreciated! 🙂

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