When Tears are Prayers and Words Won’t Come

I’ve been exceedingly humbled by the response I’ve received to the Red X post. I’m so grateful to those who are reading it, sharing it, and who are willing to hear this hard word.

In some cases, I know my words were perceived as harsh, and even met with anger. That’s ok. In some cases I know I was misunderstood, and that’s ok with me too.  Because none of that changes the truth of what I and so many other survivors are quietly experiencing in the shadows of your perceived heroism.

Others of you read with a quiet knowing, some of you commenting or emailing privately, echoing the truth that without prayer as the foundation, all the trafficking awareness hype is just obnoxious noise that hurts more than it heals.

My heart was the most stirred by those of you, my fellow sisters in captivity, who wrote, echoing the same pain of being overlooked in the frenzy -who, like me, are quietly struggling to make it through one more day in spite of all of the useless activity.

Your names and stories are still tucked safely into my heart, and I am lifting prayers on your behalf.

Please understand that I am a real person who is still very much in the midst of healing from intense trauma. My words come from a place of deep pain and grief, and I am writing so broken….. I’m thankful for your grace in understanding this.

Right now, I thought I would let you know – I am grieving deeply over the loss of a precious life at the hands of my traffickers – of one who was so dear to me.

My only words for this right now are my tears, being lifted to heaven as prayers that I know God hears.

And I am battling the nightmares and the pain and fear and anxiety and confusion and memories – and struggling just to breathe – because this grief came so unexpectedly, and heaped itself on top of multiple other traumas I am working to resolve.

But I want you to know, in the midst of this, I have asked Him about you –

To those of you who have read my words here, prayed prayers on my behalf and on behalf of so many others, who have labored to find a way to give your heart to the ending of human trafficking – those of you who have given yourselves to prayer, and still have more questions than answers, I want you to know –

I have many words He is breathing into my heart for you….

But they are stuck. Mixed precariously with the tears and grief and pain and numbness, struggling to find their way out of the jumbled up mess in my head and onto this page in a coherent way.

They are coming, I know. But they are fighting to break free from the confusion of grief – so I thank you for grace.

And I want you to know – that when you don’t know what else to do, I’m still going to tell you to “just” pray.

Because, really, what else is there?

If you cannot connect intimately to the heart of God on the matter, then what do you actually have to offer the broken?

I will keep urging you to find contentment in the place of deep intercession – to meet prayer in a way that will cost you….

Just know – you are on my heart – and He is whispering to me about you. I had an experience last week that helped me to understand better where some of you are coming from.

In the meantime though, in the quiet waiting, would you do this? Would you pray for me? For the grief to subside, for hope to return, and for the words to come out? I would be so grateful.