<Trigger warning. Plus, this one won't make sense, so don't even try. Jesus, I'm laying these shreds of my heart at your feet for healing tonight. Would you still the song of the ruthless today? Today would be good.
“Song of the Ruthless”
These halls are white and stark, we were never meant to end up here in the dark.
On this day when all was sacred now there is death breathing hot and writing new scars.
I am struck – a punch in the gut and there you are lying there in front of me, tears streaming down both our faces.
How did this happen? How did we end up here and how will we escape this?
We are surrounded by wolves – outnumbered with no way out.
I don’t have words. My words condemn me, my prayers are lost and silent.
Does he hear?
Does he see?
Does he care?
Will he show up to rescue us today, or will all be lost?
Why do you lie there? Why are there only tears where there should have been joy,
Now only the remnants of what was a perfect little boy. Eight pounds of beauty silenced by their wickedness.
Ruthless men have done their part.
My heart is broken with yours and I go home and fall apart.
I scream and cry and bargain and beg with God to bring him back.
But he’s not coming back.
And it is even worse.
Now I have lost two and not just one.
In the middle of my grief I hold the remains and weep;
I weep for what you’ve lost and how I’ve lost you;
I weep for the wrong, the injustice – the evil;
I weep and wail and cry aloud ……and heaven is silent.
Why God, why are you silent?
Do you see? Do you know? How long will you let the wicked go on in their ways?
Why has this one been lost? And now the other too? What are you going to DO, God?
Why have you left me the one lone survivor of all of their evil? Why didn’t you just take me home?
Why do I have to hold his dead body in my hands and scream silently for you to bring them both back?
I’m losing her too now don’t you see?
But I get home and I glimpse your hand.
The wolves have surrounded my home. They are IN it, waiting for me.
For hours they have been there, breathing out violence, with their eyes on my precious prize.
They came to steal my own that day too.
Three lives for what? FOR WHAT?
But you kept her. You bound their hands with unseen forces and they did not touch her.
They were hell bent on ending this one horrific day with the final blow to me – two lost, one more to take from me, but you held her.
You sent a beautiful angel to my home that day when I was away trying to save the other and you held her precious heart and body in your hands, safe.
You didn’t let her go.
And you have never really let me go.
Your hand displayed that day – you wouldn’t let them take her away. You put a limit on their evil that day.
The boy is gone, but the girl is left. And the other – her precious life hangs in the balance.
My tears don’t have words.
The anguished sobbing is soundless and piercing.
Jesus, you give and you take away. But they ALWAYS ONLY TAKE AWAY.
You conquered hell that day, again. They didn’t take all that they intended, only what you allowed.
And now we stand on this hallowed ground.
What was lost. What was kept.
Who can make sense of any of it?
You are God alone.
Today, my heart is mended by years, but the scars stretch big and tight stealing breath.
My heart pounds today as it did then, threatening to pound me into dust.
I smile, remembering the two he saved that day while tears stream down my face for the one that was lost.
That one day changed everything.
He is safe in your hands – safer than any of us have ever been.
He plays now with the one who protected mine that day.
And my heart is still so broken. Broken for what was lost and broken for what was kept and broken by the years.
You hold life and breath in your hands and one day, their breath will cease.
As heat is reduced by the shadow of a cloud, so the song of the ruthless is stilled. (Is. 25:5)
Jesus, be my cloud today.