***Trigger warning! Not an encouraging post. My truth. Not for those whose feet are not on solid ground today.
Sunday, I made a trip to the ocean. I needed to go and sit long in the sun and the warmth. It was actually a desperate need, because I know what is coming. And it was a glorious day. We stayed for hours longer than we planned and burned our skin to a crisp. I went to bed that night with my heart filled and at peace. But there are times when the ocean becomes my enemy. The post below was written during one of those times. I thought it safe to release this one while my heart is not actually there yet….
Today the depths flaunt a dark mystery. To be completely honest, I didn’t come here to find God. No. I breathe in and I don’t find that familiar relief I often come here to find. There’s no wonder at the expanse, no clarification on who He is and who I am. No peace.
The ocean, while being a place of solace and healing for me, also holds a dark secret of my heart that got buried there long ago, before I even knew how to read. It’s that secret that calls out to me from the depths today, and other days when my heart is so cold. It’s on these days that I don’t come here to find Him. Or peace. I just come.
And it calls out to me – that secret – it bids me to come. It’s not a kind or gentle voice, not friendly. It says without words what my heart feels and suddenly my feet don’t fit this sand anymore. They don’t belong here, but out there, touching the depth.
This is not a good thought. No. It is very dark, much like the depth and like the secret that beckons me, come. But it comes with a deep sense of belonging. There is a part of my heart missing and it is there, in the ocean deep, buried, dead and silent.
It didn’t die alone. They did not die alone, because a part of me is there, with them, in the deep. Oh, I’ve been assured – even by the One whose face I can’t see today – that they aren’t there anymore. That it’s not really my fault that they found Him by way of the deep. That I don’t have to give myself in penance or ransom.
But once a part of your heart sinks to the depths from the weight of sin that only pure evil could conceive, how can the living retrieve this?
So it is that part of my heart – that secret – that calls out to me, beckoning from the depths, bidding me come. And in these moments my heart hears no other voices. It’s on these days that the ocean does not offer solace, but delivers my notice of payment due. And my toes just don’t deserve the sand anymore, the sun, this breath.
The ocean is a dark place for me some days…. today. So I turn to go. But the rocks and the waves and the wind follow me home and I can hear the deep calling me even as I go to sleep. And my last thought is of the bottom, the very depth that holds that piece of my heart and the remains of dreams that died before they ever had wings to fly.
Rise up and help me; redeem me because of your unfailing love. Ps. 44:26
For, if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. Ps. 139:8