Today, my faith is in God alone, and His saving power through Jesus Christ. But I did not arrive at that faith decision lightly or easily. Because there was a lot of intentional spiritual crap woven into my trafficking experience (read: ritual abuse), I started from a place of complete confusion and even disdain for God.
I want to acknowledge that the decision for a survivor to place her trust in God rarely comes easily. We have learned to depend on NO ONE, and have superior survival skills that leave little room for God. And in the case of ritual abuse, like I and many other trafficking survivors have experienced, the whole point was to destroy any chance we had at survival by destroying our trust in both people and God.
Whatever your ideas about God are, they have been formed out of desperation and hopelessness, and have likely left you confused, angry, empty, and without real peace.
Besides the abuse, your ideas about God may have been impacted by Christians who were insensitive or clueless towards your suffering, treating your wounds with anything but love and care. This has definitely been my experience, and has heaped untold amounts of trauma onto my already devastated heart.
Though I have not yet found my way back inside a church, and cannot yet tolerate being in that environment, I have found God himself in ways I could have never imagined. And it has been His relentless pursuit of my broken heart, His incredible, loving patience with me in all of my rage towards Him, that has won me over. And along the way, I have discovered a tiny handful of people who truly love God and have selflessly extended His love to me when I couldn’t even begin to receive it from Him.
If you’re a survivor who needs a listening ear as your sort through your questions and pain around the God thing, then try me. I’m not perfect, and my love doesn’t come close to His, but I promise to listen without judgment and with the compassion and love and patience that I know He has for you.